I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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