my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
We were destined to go to rehab together
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
