Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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