There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
