god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
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