I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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