i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
