I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
The feeling are messing with the penis
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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