shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
