I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Randomize
