I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
