My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
