Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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