I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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