Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
