My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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