I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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