Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
