Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
