I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize