I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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