I didn't shave. On purpose
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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