that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
You may now shotgun with the bride
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Randomize
