I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
