just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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