A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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