The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
