At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
