currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
