at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
