did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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