Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
