1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
