I have demons in me.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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