god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
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We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
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You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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