so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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