My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
