i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
