I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
