The maid of honor just puked.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
