i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
