Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
