Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
