Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
How does it feel to date your dad?
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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