come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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