I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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