While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
