I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
