I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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