Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
pop tarts are not kleenex
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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