just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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