so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Its okay if i dont like him.his junk is just too good to resist.model penis,lame guy.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
