this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
