You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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