You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
