Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
